FaMiLy JoKeS

Delayed Plane
One day a little boy was playing with his airplane in the dining room while his mom was in the kitchen making dinner.
He decided that it was time for the plane to come in for a landing.
He set it down on the table and said, 'All you a$$holes who want to get off, get the hell off! All you a$$holes that want to stay on, stay the hell on!'
Hearing this, the boy's mother comes running out of the kitchen and says, 'I can't believe that...where did you hear...go to your room until I call you!' 'Okay, mom,' says the boy as he sulks up to his room.
About an hour later, the boy's mom calls him back downstairs and says, 'You are a young boy and we don't use that kind of language in this in this house.'
'Okay,' says the boy and goes back to playing with the airplane. 'All right, all passengers wishing to depart the plane, please do so. All passengers wishing to remain on the plane, please do so. And all you a$$holes who want to complain about the hour's delay, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!
Couple Of Secs.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, 'Daddy, what is sex?'
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.' When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, 'Why did you ask this question?'
The little girl replied, 'Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.'

Write a sentence
Give me a sentence about a public servant, said the Mother helping at home.
The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.'
The mother took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked.
'Sure', said the young kid confidently. 'It means 'carrying a child'.'

Reconciliation
One man and his wife were having some problems at home and decided not to talk to each other.
A week later, the man realized that, because of his laziness, he need help to wake up at 8 o'clock the next morning for a job appointment.
He thought deeply and finally wrote on a paper 'Please, wake me up tomorrow at 7 o'clock'
The next morning, he woke up at 9 o'clock. Furious, he almost turned all the house upside down when he saw on a table a note ; ' It is 7, wake up!'
The last straw
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. 'What seems to be the problem?' The wife began talking describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, 'Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!'
The husband scratched his head and replied, 'I can have her here on Mondays and Thursdays.'
A great deal
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, '$500 Porsche! New!' The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
'Wow!' the man said, 'Can I take it for a test drive?'
'Sure,' answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, 'Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?'
Then the lady replied with a laugh, 'My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.' '
Husband's Grief
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.
His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, 'Why did you die? Why did you die?'
The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?'
The mourner answered, 'My wife's first husband! Why did you die?'
Late realization
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.
She says, 'Well what was that for?'
He says, 'Thats for 30 years of rotten sex!'
She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, 'Well what was that for?'
She says, 'That's for knowing the difference!'
Mother of Six
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night they attended a party. When the man decided it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife was ready to leave as well, he shouted across the room at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion, finally shouted back: 'Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'
Sale on tires
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, 'Here is a great sale on tires!'
His wife replied, 'What do you want tires for? You don't have a car.'
He came back with, 'I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, Do I..?
Still pretty
When the husband was lying the wife removed his glasses. 'You know, honey,' she said sweetly, 'Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.'
'Honey,' he replied with a grin, 'Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!
Axe in Head
Teacher: 'George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?'
One Student: 'Because George still had the axe in his hand
Reasons for the Death
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though,
So Peter had to tell the first one, 'Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?'
The first man replies: 'Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding'.
And he continues, Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off, and my wife was quiet. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay, and my wife still looked quiet and cool.
'I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. This time my wife got mad and killed me with a fork.'
'That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,' said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter asks for his story.
'It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.'
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
'Picture this,' says the third man, 'I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...'
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband
A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, 'If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!'
The wife replied, 'My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here.'
Electric Chair
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, 'Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?
She would like something electric.'
The husband replied, 'How about a chair?!?
God-in-Law
A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
'So, what are you doing right now?' asks the father.
'I am a theology scholar,' replies the fiance.
'Do you have any plans of employment?'
'I will study and God will provide.'
'What about the children?' asks the man.
'God will provide.'
'And your house and car?'
'Again, God will provide,' says the fiance.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, 'So what did you two talk about?'
The man replies, 'He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God.'
Price
SON: 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
FATHER: 'I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.'
Slow Clock
Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall.
Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt.
Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow.

SeCrEt Of NaMe

Instructions:What you do is find out what each letter of your name means.
Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU. (Its TRUE !!) (Isn't itGREAT !!)

PS : If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.

For Example : R A H I M
R You are a social butterfly.
A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
H You are not judgmental.
I You are always smiling and making others smile.
M Success comes easily to you.


A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
D You have trouble trusting people.
E You are a very exciting person.
F Everyone loves you.
G You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H You are not judgmental.
I You are always smiling and making others smile.
J Jealously
K You like to try new things.
L Love is something you deeply believe in.
M Success comes easily to you.
N You like to work, but you always want a break.
O You are very open-minded.
P You are very friendly and understanding.
Q You are a hypocrite.
R You are a social butterfly.
S You are very broad-minded.
T You have an attitude, a big one.
U You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V You have a very good physique and looks.
W You like your privacy.
X You never let people tell you what to do.
Y You cause a lot of trouble.
Z You're always fighting with someone

LiFe And LoVe

There was a father of one family. He was a hard worker who met the needs of his family - a wife and three kids. He spent the evenings after work to attend courses, to develop himself hoping one day he could get a better job with a better salary. Except Sundays, this father hardly had dinner with his family.
He worked and studied very hard since he wanted to provide his family everything that money can buy. Every time his family made a complaint that he didn't spend enough time with them, he always made an excuse that he did all that for them. There were many times, though, when he really liked to spend his time with them.

Then came the announcement day. He passed the exam with flying colours. Soon he was offered the position of senior supervisor along with a tempting salary. Just like a dream came true, now he could provide a luxurious life for his family, such as beautiful outfits, delicious meals and trips to other countries. Still, the family couldn't see him the whole week. He kept working hard, hoping to be promoted as a manager. In fact, in order to make him suitable for that position, he enrolled to another course in an open university. Again, every time his family complained that he didn't spend much time with them, he said that he did all for them. Yet, there were times when he really liked to spend more time with them.

All his hard work got paid; he was promoted to be a manager. Gladly, he hired a maid to free his wife from the housework. He also felt that a three-room flat was not big enough for them, that it would be great if they could enjoy living in a condominium.

After all that, he decided to work and study even harder so that he could be promoted again. His family was having a hard time to meet him. He had to spend Sundays to accompany his guests. Again, every time his family complained that he didn't spend much time with them, he said that he did all for them. Yet, there were times when he really liked to spend more time with them.

And as expected, all his hard work succeeded and he could afford a beautiful condominium towards the beach. The first evening in their brand new house, he told his family that he wouldn't take any courses and go after promotions again, that since then he wanted to give more and more of his time for his wife and children.

But then,..............

he never woke up the next day......
_________________________________________________

Things to ponder:
_________________________________________________

Do you work for a living or do you live for working?
There are two things that to be achieved in this life:
- First, to get what you want,
- Second, to enjoy it afterwards.
It takes a wise man to achieve both.

Worry cannot get rid of today's sufferings; it only robs today's strength.
Happiness doesn't depend on how much you' earn to show the loved one, but on how much you appreciate the person with what you've got. - Love

That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil-this is the gift of God